By Columnist Kim Mi-hee
Two Chairs Under Dim Light
Picture two chairs facing each other. One is for the older parent, the other for the caregiver. As evening light filters into the room, the two sit together in the same space, yet often inhabit different points in time. The parent may be living inside an evening from thirty years ago, while the caregiver stands firmly in the present. Without understanding this gap, conversation is bound to collide again and again.
For people living with dementia, time does not flow in a straight line the way it does for the rest of us. Recent memories fade first, while older memories often remain vivid — vivid enough that the past can feel like the present. This is why a parent may wait for a spouse who has already passed away, or address a grown child as if they were still small. It is not stubbornness or confusion, but a sign that the brain is dwelling in a different moment in time.
Understanding this intellectually is one thing; hearing the same question for the tenth time is another matter entirely, and it is only natural to grow weary. I, too, have often felt the words "I already told you yesterday" rising in my throat. What is needed in that moment is not a more precise explanation, but a willingness to step, if only briefly, into the time where the parent is standing.
What Is Validation Therapy? — Responding to Feelings, Not Facts
Validation therapy is an approach to conversation that acknowledges the emotion behind a parent's words first, even when those words do not match the facts. Rather than correcting with "that's not right," it leans toward asking, "how did that make you feel?" This is not a medical treatment or a means of curing or preventing any particular illness, but a caregiving attitude that has taken root over many years in care settings. That also means, with some learning and practice, family members can use it too.
The reasoning behind this approach is simple. When someone whose cognitive function has declined is corrected on a fact, they tend to respond emotionally rather than logically. Embarrassment, sorrow and anxiety surface first, and those feelings can linger long after the conversation ends. By contrast, caregivers in the field often report that when the emotion is acknowledged first, the person tends to settle down even if the underlying situation has not changed.
Of course, this approach cannot be said to work identically every time, for every individual. Responses vary depending on the person's condition that day, the history of the relationship, and the mood of the moment. Still, one point that comes up consistently across many caregiving settings is that a conversation built around acknowledging emotion causes less hurt than one built around arguing over facts.
Conversations to Try Instead of Arguing
Consider a concrete scene. If a mother asks every evening, "When is your father coming home?" — instead of saying "Your father isn't here anymore," try responding, "You must miss him a lot." Follow up with, "What did you two used to talk about over dinner?" In that moment, the mother is no longer someone being corrected, but someone sharing a memory of longing. The whole tone of the conversation shifts.
Another scene: if a father suddenly rushes around asking, "Where are my clothes? I need to go to work," saying "You retired a long time ago" is likely to wound both his sense of clarity and his pride. Instead, asking, "Did something important come up at the office today? What happened?" lets him hold on, even briefly, to the feeling that he is still useful. From there, a natural follow-up such as "Why don't you rest at home today, and we'll get you ready for tomorrow" often lets the moment pass without conflict.
The point is not to fabricate lies, but to shift the focus toward the parent's emotions. Go along with what they say, while keeping your voice low and unhurried, and your expression gentle. Simply maintaining eye contact and lightly holding their hand can convey the reassurance that they are being heard. These small gestures, added up, become the strength that allows a day to pass without conflict.
Looking After the Caregiver's Heart, Too
Even after learning validation therapy, acknowledging emotion first is not always easy. Answering the same question the same way, day after day, eventually wears down even the most patient caregiver, no matter how good the technique. At such moments, rather than pushing yourself harder, it helps to accept that "this was my best for today." Caregiving is not a contest of perfection, but an act of getting through each day.
When I was caring for my own parents, there were many evenings when I struggled to manage my own emotions, let alone acknowledge someone else's. On those nights, I would step out of the room, sit alone for a moment, and keep a favorite scent nearby to help steady my breathing. A gentle fragrance like lavender does not cure any illness, but it did help soothe my tired mind. Those few minutes gave me the strength to begin the next conversation gently again.
Only when the caregiver's own mind is at ease is there room to acknowledge the other person's feelings. I would encourage you to apply validation therapy to yourself as well. A simple word to yourself — "that was really hard today" — can be the first step toward starting the next conversation without conflict.
Today's Heart-Care Practice
★☆☆Try it today — When a parent says something that doesn't match the facts, find one emotion word in their sentence and echo it back as is (e.g., "So you're looking forward to seeing him"). Simply letting go of the urge to correct the facts can make the conversation noticeably gentler.
★★☆One step further — When talking, sit at eye level, lightly hold their hand or place a hand on their shoulder, and speak more slowly, in a lower tone than usual. Physical warmth and a slower pace can convey the feeling that they are safe right now.
★★★When you have the time — On a quiet evening, set two chairs facing each other and spend time looking at old photos or keepsakes together while listening to stories from the past. Keeping a soft fragrance nearby to set a comfortable mood can make this shared time of remembering feel a little warmer.
Validation therapy is not a fixed formula that works identically every time, for every parent. Please try it gradually and patiently, paying attention to their condition and the situation on any given day.
For more heart-care stories, visit the Korea Self-Healing Association.
Kim Mi-hee — aromatherapist, social worker, certified care worker, and hospital companion manager — draws on her own experience caring for aging parents to write practical, useful guidance for caregivers in the same situation. The Korean Today, Nam-Incheon.
#EmotionalCare #DementiaCare #ValidationTherapy #CaringForParents #Caregiving #CaregivingConversations #SelfCare
[ Reporter Kim Mi-hee: incheonsouth@thekoreantoday.com ]
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