A Quieter Afternoon: Signals From a Parent’s Heart

By Columnist Kim Mi-hee

What Hides Behind “It’s Just Old Age”

When an older person’s spirits sink, it often shows first as quiet change rather than obvious sadness. Instead of crying or saying they are struggling, they tend to say they have no energy, no appetite, or that everything just feels like a bother. Many of them belong to a generation that spent a lifetime trying not to look weak in front of their children, so even saying “my heart hurts” feels unfamiliar and hard. As a result, the signals are easily buried under the words “it’s just age.”

The same is true for family caregivers. Between hospital appointments, medications, meals and housework, you may sense that your parent has grown a little quiet lately and still let it pass with “well, they’re getting on in years.” When I was caring for my own parents, I reacted quickly to physical symptoms, yet I noticed changes in their mood only much later. The longer caregiving goes on, the more the tasks in front of you crowd out the time to look at a person’s face, and that is no one’s fault.

So the first thing I’d suggest is to set aside the words “it’s just age” for a moment and take a second look. Simply recalling how your parent today differs from your parent a few months ago is a good enough start. Watching the pattern — not a single change, but whether similar behavior carries on for weeks — is the closest form of care only family can give.

When the Body Speaks First: Sleep and the Dinner Table

A heavy heart often shows up first in the body’s rhythms. One of the signals most often discussed among caregivers is a change in sleep and eating. Your parent may have trouble falling asleep at night or wake early before dawn and toss and turn, or, on the other hand, may want to stay under the covers even during the day. Meals can change too: they may barely touch side dishes they used to love, or skip a meal and say they aren’t hungry.

Picture this. You set out dinner, and after a few spoonfuls they put down their spoon, saying food tastes like sand. When you call the next morning, they mention they slept badly all night, then laugh it off as nothing. For a day or two, it may just be an off day, but as such days pile up, there may be another story inside them.

Of course, changes in sleep and appetite can also be linked to medications or other health problems, so family members cannot say for certain what the cause is. Still, jotting brief notes on a calendar or in a small notebook — “said she woke up several times,” “left half a bowl of rice at lunch” — makes the pattern visible. These notes can be a great help later in describing your parent’s condition to a doctor or counselor. And when you put your worries on paper instead of keeping them only in your head, the caregiver’s heart grows a little lighter too.

A World Growing Smaller: Withdrawal and Indifference

Another signal is a parent’s world gradually shrinking. They may stare blankly at a drama they used to enjoy, or start skipping the senior center or community welfare center gatherings they attended every week, with one excuse or another. Their answers on the phone grow short, and even news about the grandchildren doesn’t light them up the way it once did. This gradual loss of interests and connections happens so slowly that the closer the family, the easier it is to miss.

You may also notice a change in how they talk. If you often hear things like “What could I possibly do?”, “Everything’s a bother” or “I feel like I’m just a burden to you,” it’s best not to let them slip by. They may sound like offhand remarks, but they can carry a sense of seeing oneself as small. At times, a low mood also comes out as irritability or touchiness, and you may only realize what was going on after you’ve traded hurtful words.

At moments like these, urging them with “Why don’t you go out?” or “You need to move around more” tends to make them pull back further. Instead, I suggest quietly placing small pieces of what they used to love back beside them. Play a song they used to sing, or bring out an old photo album and ask, “Where were you here?” Rather than an ambitious activity, a small, easy place to linger can open a closing heart just a little.

Once You Notice, How Do You Start the Conversation?

After recognizing the signals, the hardest part is how to raise the subject. “Mom, do you have depression?” may come from concern, but to the listener it can feel like a label. For older generations, mental illness is still a difficult subject, and they may blame themselves simply for causing their children worry. That is why it helps to approach with the language of observation and care rather than the language of diagnosis.

For example, you might start like this: “You don’t seem to be sleeping well at night lately, and it’s been on my mind,” or “You don’t seem to be eating much — is anything bothering you?” Calmly share what you have seen. Then, rather than rushing for an answer, give them time and wait quietly until they are ready to speak. It’s all right if they don’t open up right away. Just the feeling that “you’re paying attention to me” can make the heart a little less lonely.

If the changes continue for more than a few weeks or daily life looks noticeably harder, I encourage you to seek professional help rather than guessing among family. You could first mention it to the doctor your parent regularly sees, or ask for counseling at a nearby public health center or community mental health welfare center. When you do, suggest it in words that are easy for your parent to accept — “You haven’t been sleeping well, so let’s ask the doctor about it” rather than “Let’s go get you tested.” Bringing along the notebook you’ve kept can make the conversation much easier.

Please Look After the Caregiver’s Heart, Too

While caring for a parent’s heart, it’s easy to push your own to the back. Your mood for the day may rise and fall with a single expression on their face, and you may lose sleep wondering whether things would be different if you had done better. The closer and longer someone provides care, the more often they bear that weight quietly and alone. But if the caregiver’s heart wears out first, it becomes hard to stay by a parent’s side for the long haul.

Working with fragrance, I often feel how precious it is to take even a few minutes a day to catch my breath for myself. There are moments when simply dabbing a favorite scent on my wrist, opening the window and breathing deeply is enough to soothe my heart. It isn’t magic that solves anything; it’s closer to a small greeting to myself for having tried hard again today. Please share with yourself a piece of the warmth you give your parents.

And I hope you won’t carry it all alone. Talking about caregiving with your siblings, confiding in a trusted friend and, if needed, seeking counseling for family caregivers are all brave choices. The eye that notices a parent’s heart is, in the end, connected to the eye that notices your own. Becoming a family that reads one another’s signals — I believe that is the path of care we can walk together.

For more heart-care stories, visit the Korea Self-Healing Association.

#WiaSsamMindCareSignals #LateLifeDepression #CaringForParents #FamilyCaregiving #EmotionalCare #CaregivingFamilies #SeniorLife #SelfCare

[ Reporter Kim Mi-hee: incheonsouth@thekoreantoday.com ]

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